My friends, they love my intelligence
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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