Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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