I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
