Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
