he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
