As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
COCAINE IS GR8
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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