Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize