I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
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