life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
My dick has a subreddit
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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