Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
