it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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