There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize