Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
