Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
