i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize