Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
