It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
