she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
