Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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