so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
