1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
