Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
