i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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