how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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