when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
