The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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