Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so that wasnt chicken after all
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
