Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
