No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
