Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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