I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
