I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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