I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
