Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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