Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
