"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Randomize
