I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
