Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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