I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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