according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
