Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My cat gives me a boner
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She told me I should be a condom model.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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