Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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