**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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