Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
