Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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