i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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