I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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