as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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