And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just got carded by a ten year old.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
