just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
