I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
