Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I wish you could order shots online.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
