I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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