his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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