It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
