What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
