I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
