Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
