I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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