One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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