ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
