i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
