woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
